The Belt System

Since the birth of Jesus Christ, men have been boasting about their sexual conquests, God started it all by telling anyone with ears that He had managed to knock a girl up without even busting a nut. Since these days the average dude doesn't have a friend named Moses to brag to that can be trusted to spread the word, he is stuck to shooting the shit with his boys. These days girls even get into it, or at least the minimal knowledge I have on that topic has led me to this conclusion. While I used to think that girls were always looking to settle down, or avoid boys, it appears that they go out on the prowl too. I've even seen them take it to the next level with a chart tracking their conquests, and to that I say bravo. If that's what the Spice Girls meant by "girl power" I have no problem being a tick on the board. But to guys it's always been about the notch on your belt. These days though numbers don't mean everything. You can't tell the worth of a man by the number of notches on his belt, because he just might have been lucky enough to only need one.

Maybe Mr. Miyagi and the Karate Kid had it right after all. You sure could size a man up by the color on is belt, be it a chump with a white belt, or a master with a black, a glance at their belt could leave you cowering with fear or brimming with confidence. And when you don't even have to talk shit to brag, why should you waste your breath?

So in honor of that, me and Mr. Blurb himself, in his first contribution to the dose, have concocted a new belt system. Loosely based on the karate belts you earn, but without as much ass kicking (we hope) you can get all your belts before you die. Some aren't for everyone but there is definitely one for everyone. And if no one else understands why you are wearing a orange belt, at the dome at least it will still keep your pants up. So without further ado...ps... the order they have been written in does not necessarily correspond with the difficulty or frequency of obtaining the belt in real life, we did try to keep some continuity in keeping with the traditions of my favorite arts. Martial.

pps...these are unisex belts forgive my chauvinist nature if i am only writing from a male's point of view. I'm hoping to work out a deal with American Apparel, to sell the belts, because their unisex section definitely needs more belts.

The Belt System

The White Belt- In a perfect world you would only get this belt after marriage, but alas that is not the case in the real world. The white belt is the first step en route to others, it is not always easy to get, but by losing your V-Card you can wear it for the first time. Also feel free to rock it as a throwback whenever you have been out popping cherries. While I discourage fucking virgins for non-physical/emotional reasons, in many cultures it is the only way to go. Check out "We Fuck Virgins" by Necro if you want a more graphic depiction through song.

The Yellow Belt-I wanted to avoid this to avoid offending anyone, but even after minutes of brainstorming we could not come up with a better way of getting your yellow belt. The only way is by fucking an Asian. We had some troubles because it might be hard to differentiate and we didn't want to discriminate more than we already had, but blurb quickly realized that he " cannot imagine someone sitting at their computer saying..."but does that mean i got a yellow belt? i fucked a chick from afghanistan"The Orange Belt-This is a belt I hope none of you ever have to receive but from stories I have heard it can be one of the greatest sexual experiences out there. But that really only stems from watching "Arrested Development" and other TV shows or movies. Getting your orange belt is only achieved by conjugal visit sex. There is no better status symbol to rock in prison than a orange belt. It goes perfectly with your orange jump suit, and you can't get it by simple prison rape. But beware who you wear this belt in front of because you might encourage the prison rape, or even worse give your haters not only a way to murder you but also a way to make it look like suicide, just ask D'Angelo Barksdale.
The Red Belt-Definitely not for everyone the red belt might even gross you out. But rocking the red belt out on the town lets a lady know that you are comfortable with her femininity, for girls wearing it, it lets dudes know the only excuse for not having sex with them is that you straight up AINT down. This is having sex on the dot in case you missed it. Can be messy, but there's not a whole lot you can't solve without "club soda and salt." but I recommend not even taking a chance and wearing your white belt on this occasion. Also I have read somewhere that it is good for cramps, and I know it's either a time where you can't get pregnant or you can very easily get pregnant, so if anyone cares to find that out you can either get the kid you always wanted, or get free reign to fuck without a jacket. (Assuming you've been tested for venereal diseases, and only failed the test for a menstrual bleed.)

The Green Belt- (Hooker Sex) Tom Cruise made it OK in "Risky Business," it's even legal in places like Las Vegas, (I think, Blurb says definitely NOT) Germany, Amsterdam, so why not share it with your buddies that you dropped a little green to get a little love, Elliot Spitzer taught us that you can't keep it a secret anyways so don't hide it. We both originally thought most people wouldn't want to share getting a green belt but both agreed that we probably would share it with friends shamefully with a sheepish smile, and if there was a belt we would definitely brag about it, especially if we got a good deal. So fuck Snoop Dogg, pimps down, Hos up, we are all for a safe sex trade.

The Purple Belt-Not to be confused with your first love making session listening to Prince's epic "Purple Rain" this belt is definitely one for a minority. Whether you get it through a bi-curious faze in college, or you are flat out gay, it's all fine by me. Katy Perry got us all tired of her bi-curious boasts, I think we could all agree that we could hear "I Kissed a Girl" a bit less and she could just rock a purple belt.The Blue Belt-Some people may never get this one either, it is more of a to each his own, but how do you really know without trying. Fucking a whale gets you a blue belt this will probably be the only belt that doesn't fit unless you use a screwdriver and poke a hole in it to make it fit. Most humanitarians agree that every beached whale deserves a chance to swim, so why not do a bit of charitable work and push it back to sea, just be careful not to poke the blow hole too long or it might explode.

The Brown Belt- Sex with Sue has taught us all to be careful when acquiring the brown belt because pooper sex can be very painful slash dangerous, the body doesn't naturally lube up there so make sure to bring your own. It's not meant for sex but naturally us humans do not take no for an answer and insist on fucking any hole available, otherwise threesomes just wouldn't work. The brown belt isn't for everyone but it does conveniently look nice with a purple belt or on its own.

The Black Belt-The black belt is a good way to close things out because once you go black you never go back., or so the saying goes. Its especially hard for white dudes to get this belt because of the opening line, assuming girls start with chocolate, vanilla can be a very tough sell. But life would be no fun if it was too easy. So with the most prestigious belt, comes a level of dedication and work that is not for every man.

The Belt System is by no means finished, and we will continue to update if we can think of anything worthy enough to tie around our waists